I’ve noticed a return of a familiar feeling that comes upon me during the holidays – something I forget until it rears its ugly head. Some kind of existential angst, a stain on everything I look on and think about. People or things that I have been admiring or working on become less desirable, more suspect in motive or value. I feel constantly agitated as well, with the smallest inconvenience feeling like a major annoyance.
I’ve been able to look at it more than other times for the most part. Also, I’m trying to insert the practice of gratitude, which I’ve heard mentioned lately from several different sources. That has helped tremendously.
My goal isn’t to be happy per se, because that would be staying in a state of awareness just as false as this feeling of existential disgust. I’m not sure what my goal is now that I write that, which may be a part of the problem and definitely not a route to a solution – if a solution is even needed.
The best thing about the holidays of course is that they end, so there’s that.